A Countdown To Insult
by Carbuncle
Summary: Cloud and Barrett insult each other...


FINAL FANTASY VII  
  
A Countdown To Insult  
  
"Hey everyone! Listen to me!", screamed Barrett.  
  
The whole party turned away from the TV set and glared at Barrett.  
  
"Barrett, we're trying to watch the 'Amazing Aeris!' marathon!", grumbled Cloud.  
  
"But I need your attention, people! Remember I'm doin' stand up comedy tonight over at Seventh Heaven? I need ya'll to give a comment or two on my material."  
  
"Oh, alright then, Barrett.", smiled Tifa. "Go ahead."  
  
"Okay, okay. Now shu'up and listen to me! All o' ya!"  
  
Barrett jumped up onto the breakfast table and cleared his throat.  
  
"We're not laughin' yet, Barrett!", Cid shouted.  
  
"Up yo' ass!", mumbled Barrett. "Now be quiet, damn you!"  
  
Barrett began pacing the table.  
  
"Women be shoppin', women be shoppin'! You cannot *stop* a woman from shoppin'!"  
  
"That's true. Women do like to shop.", Cloud whispered.  
  
"Uh-huh, we do.", said Aeris.  
  
"Okay, let's see what we got in the house tonight.", Barrett turned to face Cid. "Oh, look at this dude down here. Now you cannot tell me he hasn't got a small jimmy. This guy need tweezers to take a piss."  
  
The whole party laugh, except Cid.  
  
"Hey, how would you know, fat ass?!", he growled.  
  
"Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no! No!", Barrett turned to face Cloud. "Look like a hair full of curly fries. Extra crispy."  
  
"Hahahaha! Whoa, check it out! You're the king, Barrett!", Cloud laughed. "It's great the way you take a persons personal defence and flip it back at them to make a joke. Like you'd say, "Look at his foot," and everyone would start laughing. That's some funny shit man! You're on your way! You're goin' to the top!"  
  
"Well, thank you, Cloud.", Barrett blushed. "I'm glad you appreciate Barrett's show."  
  
"Maybe that'll work with me doing it to you, huh Barrett?", thought Cloud. "Like if I was to say that Barrett's so dark he went to night school and was marked absent."  
  
The whole party laugh. Barrett doesn't seem amused.  
  
"Hey Barrett, what the hell is up with that breath?", giggled Cloud. "I can smell it over here. Barrett, your breath is so stinky; people look forward to your fart."  
  
The whole party laugh. Barrett is very embarrassed.  
  
"Oh, you steppin' on me?!", he growled. "You steppin' on Barrett?!"  
  
"I'm sorry, Barrett.", Cloud slurred. "But it's your breath, man!"  
  
"Y'see, I wasn't gonna say nothin' cause I like you, Cloud, but now its time to attack the Zack wannabe! Maybe it's time for Barrett to lay it to your momma! Perhaps its time for me to talk about your mother, the little bitch!"  
  
Everyone is quiet.  
  
"Your momma's so fat...", Barrett paused. "...she went to the movies and sat next to everybody."  
  
The whole party laugh, including Cloud.  
  
"Okay, you wanna do fat jokes?!", Cloud laughed hysterically. "We can do fat jokes! Barrett's mother is so fat she wakes up in sections."  
  
The whole party laugh. Cloud gets up from his seat.  
  
"Barrett's mother is so fat she jumped up into the air and got stuck."  
  
The whole party laugh again.  
  
"Y'know what Cloud?!", snapped an angry Barrett. "Your momma is like a TV set; even a three year old can turn her on."  
  
"Very funny, Barrett.", Cloud bloated. "But your mother is so fat after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the bitch."  
  
"Cloud, your momma is like a doorknob; everyone gets a turn."  
  
"Barrett's mother is so fat her nickname is 'DAMN'!", Cloud leapt up onto the table with Barrett. "DAMN! DAMN! Hahahaha!"  
  
"Hey, get off the table, man! This ain't your show!", Barrett flinched.  
  
"Barrett's mother is so fat people jog around her for exercise.", Cloud continued to joke. "Barrett's mother is so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint roller. Get it? Paint roller?"  
  
"Silence! Enough! I can't take this shit no more! Now you've been talkin' about me long enough, boy! Now I've tried to be reasonable, but now its time for Barrett to kick yo' ass! Oh, yeah!"  
  
"Oh, really?", yawned Cloud. "Take your best shot, Barrett."  
  
Barrett cocked his gun-arm and pointed toward Cloud, who then leapt off the table and landed behind Aeris.  
  
"Ner-ner!", Cloud taunted. "Can't catch me!"  
  
"Screw it!", wailed Barrett.  
  
He tried to get a lock on Cloud, then fired. Unfortunately, he accidentally caught Aeris instead. She died almost instantly.  
  
"Oh my God! They killed Aeris!", screamed Tifa.  
  
"You beasts!", yelled Cloud.  
  
"Dammit!", Barrett complained. "I'm goin' down to Seventh Heaven to perform. See ya'll later."  
  
Barrett left the room.  
  
"Well, that went rather well, don't you think?", said Red XIII.  
  
THE END__________ 


End file.
